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Friday, January 14, 2011

Lessons Learned in Pregnancy...

  • Pregnancy occurs in a time warp...
Last Saturday marked the halfway point in our pregnancy as I hit the 20 week mark.  It is amazing to me that 20 weeks have passed already--that first 12 weeks of waiting to break the news seemed to last FOREVER!  From four to eight weeks is torture as you wait for your first ultrasound and the all-important moment of hearing the heartbeat.  From eight to twelve weeks you are dying to tell everyone you ever might've possibly breathed near.  And from twelve weeks on, if you're like me, you're just desperately waiting for the morning sickness to subside.  People have told me all along "enjoy it, because it'll be over before you know it!"  And it turns out, they're right! Once I stopped feeling horrendous all the time, I realized that being pregnant was actually pretty amazing.
  • Feeling the baby move for the first time...
...is The. Best. Thing. Ever.  You will giggle uncontrollably once you are able to feel it regularly, and you will ignore the people who tell you how obnoxious those precious little kicks will be in a few months.
  • You will have to go to the bathroom during the night...
...eighteen times an hour, eight hours a night. (Okay, maybe that's a slight exaggeration, but it is pretty frequent and pretty annoying if you didn't get up to use the bathroom during the night before you were pregnant. Ever.)
  • And on that note...
When you're pregnant, you don't "have to go to the bathroom."  You OHMYDEARLORDPULLTHECAROVERTHISINSTANTBEFOREIBURSTANDIFYOUHITONEMORE@#$&BUMPINTHEROADIWILLMURDERYOUINYOURSLEEPSOHELPME!
  • In the same vein...
You don't really get hungry.  You become ravenous.  You have to eat immediately.  And then you find that a sandwich you could eat all of a month ago, no longer fits in your stomach.  Weird, huh?  You're hungrier than ever but don't want to eat as much all at once.  Small meals and snacks are the key for me.
  • Oh, the cravings...
Or in my case, more so, the aversions.  I have only actually had one or two cravings, but on that subject I will say this: if you haven't been pregnant, you don't understand what a craving is like.  You'd think it would be simple to just tap into some will-power and not give in, but you'd be wrong.  As long as that craving lasts, your need for [insert your preggers preference here] is paramount to your need to breathe.  Seriously.  No, seriously.  For me, it has been fruit, pineapple especially.  I ate an entire, large pineapple in one sitting on a Sunday morning at around 15 weeks.  It was the best pineapple I've ever had.  (I've also been in love with clementines, apples, apples and peanut butter, apples and cheddar cheese, and bagels, though I find that I like cream cheese less than I used to.)
  • The minute you start to show...
...even if it's only the tiniest little bump that only you and your husband can see...you feel huge.  You, of course, don't want to voice that opinion because you know that you'll only get...well...huger.

...and you will start to compulsively rub your tummy.  This is a sort of self-conscious attempt to let people know you are actually pregnant and did not simply have one too many slices of red velvet cake over the holidays.
  • People will say conflicting things to you...
Some people will tell you you look amazing and are hardly showing.  Other people (the same day) will say, "Wow! You finally look pregnant!" 

Both of these things will worry you.  You'll be grateful to not be too big too soon, but you'll also wonder why you're smaller than other women at the same number of weeks.  Or, you'll be depressed that you suddenly look so pregnant and you're feelings of being "huge" have been confirmed.
  • You will obsessively Google...
You will Google phrases like "unique nursery themes," "stretch mark lotions," "baby legs," "are chapped lips a side-effect of pregnancy," "12 week baby bump pics," "13 week baby bump pics," "14 week baby bump pics," "15 week baby bump pics," "16 week baby bump pics"....well you get the idea, anyway.

(And, by the way, if you don't know what "Baby Legs" are, please Google them and find out if you think they are as weird as I do.  Mind you, this is coming from someone who wears legwarmers for a living.)
  • And finally...
...the first time you realize that you're too small for maternity pants and too big to comfortably wear your own and all of your dresses make you look three feet wide because they aren't made to hang properly on your growing belly and similarly growing backside and you have now pulled (literally) over half the clothes you own off the hangers and deposited them (not very gently) on you bed and the floor of your closet...

YOU WILL FREAK OUT. YOU WILL LOSE IT. YOU WILL KNOW THAT YOUR FREAK OUT IS 90% CAUSED BY ALL THE CRAZY HOROMONES WREAKING HAVOC ON YOUR BODY. YOU WILL NOT CARE. OR BE ABLE TO STOP YOURSELF. YOU WILL CRY.

And your poor, sweet husband will make the mistake of saying, "It's okay."  And you will say (or scream),"It's okay for you because you don't have to find something to wear!"  And you will ball your eyes out on his chest and then pull away, realizing you now only have 10 minutes to get dressed and re-do your makeup, to find a nearly perfect, if slightly warped, tear-drawn imprint of your face on his grey t-shirt.  And then you will realize that that is pretty funny.

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Yep, so far, that's what I've learned, and somehow, I'm still looking forward to the next twenty weeks.  Because, at the risk of sounding totally sappy (darn you, blasted horomones), pregnancy is a pretty joyful experience.

3 comments:

  1. Thanks Brii , as usual a delightful read! I hope you write and publish a book sometime.....

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  2. This was hilarious!!! I loved it.

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  3. haha. Justin and I went to an estate auction today with Mr. Tony and the auction was so exciting, Mr. Tony read your blog on his phone and then passed it to me. It was the right amount of entertainment we needed at that exact time! :) OH! I'm still so excited for y'all. When s/he is born I volunteer to babysit! :)

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